idle_chatter (idle_chatter) wrote,


Dear O,

Please don't wax whimsical with me. You know what that city and that school was for the both of us. I don't need the moral of the story, learning experience, blah blah crap. You know me better than that. Alot of it was shitty. And the only reason you're looking back so fondly on it is because your bad memories have turned bittersweet, and the terrible ones have been completely erased.

Trust me. I do it all the time and then cry in my car on the way home from work about how much I miss it. NY is not someplace you come and go. It is a place that so ingrains itself into you, you have tunnel vision. And no matter where you go, you're SO sure that that is where you are destined to end up. Sorry, I'm still wrestling with the idea of not being there. And the notion of returning.

You would be surprised to find out what I've been letting people get away with up here. Not even people, but friends. It's hard you know? Because you love people so much and you just want to be straight up with them and you want them to be straight up with you. Because that's how it works right? Thats how it works?

I'll admit I've found myself in more than one position in which there are three sides of the story and I'm sure the truth is lingering in there somewhere. Incidentally, in one situation my truth is facts. And I'm sure the two other people have convinced themselves their truths are too. It just makes me feel shitty. Because I feel like these people think they're getting away with pulling the wool over my eyes.

But I know. I know. And I really think they think that I'm that naive. I'm so stressed out that I just don't want to deal with it. I love them as friends. And because of that, I can...not believe them or I can 'believe' them. And by 'believe' I mean accept the fact that they're not willing to expose themselves to vulnerability or the truth, and because they're my friends and I love them I'm willing to overlook it and move on for the time being. But I really think their intricate tales are served up to confuse anyone inquiring. which is fine.

It just makes me feel lonely. Like I'm allowing my friendships to be based on mistruths even though I know who these people are. I've been surrounded by a whole host of wonderful people up here on a regular basis. And I really do love them and care for them greatly. But, I just. I miss my old friends too. I miss you, and court, and marisa, and jenni, and toni, and niall, and matty, and hasan and beth and jason and ray and justin and just...everyone.

And instead of bringing that life with me here, I really feel like I'm being forced to start over. Completely. Because everyone says 'Oh, I'll come up, I'll come up, I need to come up' But what do they do? They make other last minute plans because they take advantage of the fact that no matter what happens, I'm willing to be a friend. I'm willing to be their friend. Even if I'm passed over. I'm being passed over.

I'm just hurt. And I don't know what to do.

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