Log in

No account? Create an account
09:33am 12/06/2007
  Since knowledge is but sorrow's spy, It is not safe to know  
     Read 1 - Post
If you live in Brooklyn, or know someone who does....please help...   
09:46am 13/04/2007


The police have some updates, they have now confirmed it is a 95-97 black Chevy S-10 Blazer with front end damage. 5 Detectives are assigned to this case. The reward has risen to $18,000.
-- from Dan Henk's blog, April 12, 2007

Artist Monica Henk (homepage)
(MySpace) (PureBodyArt) was the victim of a hit-and-run accident last weekend. Police are still looking for the SUV that crashed into her. The accident happened on Saturday, April 7, at about 7:00 a.m. at the corner of Kent & Flushing Avenues in Brooklyn, New York.

Henk, a Colombia-born tattoo artist, model, and musician, was believed to have been heading home to Bedford-Stuyvesant to feed her dog before she went to class at the Brooklyn Conservatory of Music in Park Slop.
-- The Brooklyn Papers, © April 14, 2007

Monica Henk was pronounced dead today, April 12, 2007 at 12:50 PM. Her funeral will be held at Kearns Funeral Home in Queens on Sunday, April the 22 between the hours of 5 and 9 PM.

According to the blog of Dan Henk, (home page) (Pure Body Art) Monica's ex husband, if you have any information about the accident, please call (917) 554-1341 or call New York State Crimestoppers [link] at (800) 577-TIPS. A reward is being offered by Dan and by Monica's family.

See also

ModBlog Monica Henk was in a tragic motorcycle accident.

Modified-News: Monica Henk


Mon Henk Charity Fund and
Mon Henk


Extremely Urgent.. Hit & Run accident... Need your help!!!!!!! - Craigslist

Please feel free to cross-post; we need to find Monica's killer. Whoever s/he is, that person is alive right now, possibly with his or her loved ones, while Monica's family is preparing for her funeral.

     Read 1 - Post
Please help find who did this.   
09:47am 12/04/2007
  My friend Monica was riding her motorcycle to school when she was struck by a hit & run driver. She has been in the hospital since Saturday, in a coma and brain dead. The oxygen level in her blood is at 17% and she cannot breathe on her own. Her family has signed the papers to take her off of life support.

I'd write more than factual information about this, but right now, I can't. One of the more difficult aspects to deal with is the fact that the driver who hit her has not been identified, nor caught. You might be able to help.

There is a $6,000.00 reward from the family and a $10,000.00 reward from Crimestoppers.

For more information, go to her husband Dan's site @ www.danhenk.com
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
09:34am 05/12/2006
mood: qualified
your friends are your friends. they are your friends because of coinciding interests. mutual perspective. common characteristics. and shared experiences.

i just wish this was one experience that we werent sharing. no one should have to do this. go through this. deal with this. and question whether or not theyll come out ok. even if i know you will.

i remember what it was like. the moment they told me. i froze. i didnt have words. because really, this doesnt happen to people at twenty. this doesnt happen to me. it just doesnt. my first thoughts? 'im healthy. im vital. im ALIVE. nu uh.' i armed myself with all of the second grade argumentative skills i could muster. they were wrong. i was right. i mean really, isnt that always the case?

then my parents panicked. and reality set in. parents are loving. parents are comforting. parents don't panic. i immediately jumped onto the fear bandwagon. I could feel Death etching DNR on my chest. and it didnt feel good. what the fuck. i had just spent half a year screaming to anyone who would listen that im not a fucking statistic. and here were these fucking doctors trying to tell me that i am one. fuck that. fuck you. nu uh.

i was listening to the radio this morning. everlong was on. and its been rolling over in my head all morning.

'breathe out so i can breathe you in.'

i guess just because i know. its ok to be scared. its ok to feel really fucking alone right now. fucking exhale. above all else, this is something i know. exhale and be afraid and panic. its ok to do all of those things. you are my friend. my friends are my heart. and while i dont want to share this experience of mine with you, not out of selfishness, but because i dont want you to have to do this, to go through this. i will. you are my friend. and i love you. so breathe out. i will breathe you in. and comfort you the only way i know how. with experience. and as a friend.

miyagi? cancer?

nu uh.

for now, youre not even sure. you wont know until they tell you theyre 100% positive. and if they do? we're gonna bulldoze this shit together.
03:32pm 07/11/2006
mood: shit stirring
guilty, guilty, guilty raps the gavel on the courtroom bench.

i have suffered at the behest of the hailstorm of guilt that one inherits being born into the tribe of abraham my entire friggin life. (thanks mom!;)). ive spent twenty four years on this plane of existence anticipating. what? i dont know. i walk around giving pre-anxiety anxiety a piggyback ride because im not sure for what i am preparing. and you know what? im done. i am letting it go. not of all of it, mind you. (guilty pleasures anyone? im currently listening to craig david.) just the guilt of myopic vision. myopic thinking. seriously. funk that shiznit.

and its great. really. id like to give myself a pat on the back for it. unfortunately, i cant. because while i may be able to release this guilt like little blow flowers in the wind when i make a wish, myopia has always, and will continue, to descend like locusts upon the masses. it infects them like some mutant triple E brain eating virus. end result? apathy, selfishness, and this inherent need for instant gratification. now, dont get me wrong. im certainly down with instant gratification. but moreso in, like, say, the polaroid camera kind of way. not so much in the 'you need to fix me/love me/fuck me/break me/care' kind of way. the toys way. not the dependence way.

i just feel its always this same conversation that seems to be tumbling around on low heat. the delicate cycle and whathaveyou. because people will never tire of walking on eggshells. thinking that how they would react is how everyone would react. its a narcissistic projection. how fitting.

basically, it comes down to one thing. and one thing only.

interacting with other human beings makes (my) life more difficult. theyre so complicated. the nature of interacting with them is so fucking complicated. i feel like such an outsider.

i know on the whole its my own issue. its my own fucking problem. i know. it seems to be a recurring theme in my life. and i know its because i (maybe wrongly) hold people to high standards. maybe if i didnt expect people to communicate their wants and needs to me. and maybe if i didnt expect people to adhere to a code of mores. then maybe this wouldnt be an issue. my issue. but i feel like its taking over every facet of my fucking life.

ah. narcissistic projections. dont you love them?

i guess we'll all always be a little guilty of something. eh?

jager fixes everything, just like duct tape.   
08:28am 25/10/2006
mood: effectual
my mother and i have always had a very love/hate relationship. i know ive mentioned it before. its really not so much in the conventional sense though. she loves to play the victim. and i dislike when people dont take responsibility for themselves. namely, her. but really, when it comes down to it, anyone in my life. or not in my life. am i the 'youre not taking responsibility for yourself' designator and executioner? absolutely not. but we all have our moments when we know in our hearts were right. and this is one character assessment i happen to be good at. alot.

yesterday I had the first panic attack ive had in [...] years even. at the very least, i know myself well enough to get through it without having a complete tweakout fit. which was good, you know, considering i was at work and all. but i really thought my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. it was fast and hard enough i was certain it could have splintered my sternum into a thousand bone fragments in less than a second. and fuck. it sent my day into a tailspin. literally. i forgot how easy it is to fall into that artifice. everything minor that could have gone wrong yesterday was exacerbated by this fucking cancerous albatross. and everything major that could have gone wrong evolved into something completely insurmountable. i wanted to drink myself into a coma. (smartly, i didnt drink myself into a coma). because really, i didnt feel like waiting all day for the other foot to drop. and of course, it didnt anyway.

i left work intent upon taking a walk. and i did. i was about three miles away from my house when a friend reminded me that im not a victim. really, there were no truer words he could have spoken to light a fire under my ass. because i have worked too hard and learned too much about the nature of character and who i want to be, to become my mother. i love my mother. i do. but the greatest thing she ever taught me was who i never want to be.

now. ive been through some shit in my short time on this earth. government agencies have labeled and filed me away as a victim. theyve deemed me 'displaced'. surgeons have listed me a patient for medical atrocities reserved for the mutter museum. ive even been called naive.(oh the horror, i know). but what it comes down to is that im not any of those things because i dont want to be any of those things. i choose not to be. what i am, however, is a survivor. and at one moment in particular, sean texted me with his infinite wisdom (because really, infinite wisdom is best served in small doses of text form via messages. trust me, it carries more meaning that way. i truly believe this.) and i felt the fury. you know the one. when you figure out youre allowing yourself to become the casualty of the day (or someone elses for that matter). WHAT THE FUCK. i know better than to be a hypocrite. and the more steps forward i took, the more i felt my chest tighten in a way thats strictly reserved for self-possession. (is anyone else hearing knights of cydonia right now?). i refuse to walk around feeling defeated.

eight miles later and i felt like no one even recognizes that concept anymore. of being self possessed. its like chivalry. one of those things that falls by the wayside and every once in awhile something triggers the fluid memory of self-possession. eight miles later and i wanted to start grabbing random strangers off the street and shake them by the shoulders and tell them to stop projecting. stop blaming. let everything you know, go. work from the ground up. someones treating you like shit? guess what. youre allowing them to. youre not where you thought you would be five years ago? guess what. you get out what you put in. everything is a work in progress. the more you take responsibility for yourself, the more you learn. about yourself and other people. the bigger your capacity for forgiveness. the stronger your will. the easier it gets to swallow pride. the quicker your capacity for rationale shows itself. the more patience you exercise. the more determined you become to wade through life. you get the idea.

eight miles later and i felt like i could turn this fucking earth on its side. and you know what? i can. and i will.

anyway. theres more to this. there always is. but for now.

autumn. thanks for reaching out a hand in case i needed it.
sean. my life, my love, my shared heart, my shared mind. you saved me again. again. i adore you. i love you. i admire you.
to the unmentionable. thanks for inciting the fury. game on.
     Read 4 - Post
'Update this thing!'   
11:17am 11/10/2006
mood: listless
'Anonymous' said I should update this thing back in may, but I was just made privy to this because I forgot about the option to do so, so now I'm updating this thing.


I'm sorry I haven't returned your call yet. In my defense, it took you three weeks to return the call I made to you for your birthday. I'm not justifying it, I just hate the phone.

I don't know anymore.

Part of me feels as though nothing has changed since I last wrote here. But everything has. Everything has changed. And it will continue to do so. In good ways and bad. And it's so fucking cliche. And I feel like I should have a bigger problem with that. But I don't. Everything has changed. And nothing has changed.

Nothing and everything is monumental. and real. and not. and nothing and everything is anything. and im trying to figure out what is really going on. and i only know how to trust myself. so im not sure i ever will.

     Read 2 - Post
08:55am 17/11/2005
mood: calm
During this morning's sprint to get ready for work, absent mindedness took over and not only did I forget the new Ikea catalog that I need for a meeting at 930 this morning, but I forgot to grab any music that I might want to listen to during the day. Death Cab might be lurking in my Bag O' Chaos. I think my brother slipped it in there before I departed from the fringes of Harlem on Sunday evening. But really, I'm rather disappointed in it. And I'd rather listen to Etta James today.

[Note to Self: Remove coffee cup with burnt sludge from the cup-holder in the car. It's been sitting there since Sunday and is starting to leak. Gross.]

Last night C and I made Thanksgiving Dinner because our house will be split up on T-Day. I, for one, will be driving 400 miles to ingest stuffing and potatoes. On the upside, I'll be spending some time with my family. You know, the people who don't come up here to visit me and whose excuses always include 'Well, you're the one who moved.</b> Yeah, I love you too. Ha. Really though, I love them and if I could see them everyday, I probably would.

I'm still grappling with the issue one down. Though I guess on a more esoteric level. I guess I still just don't understand. And all of this noncommunication? It's definitely not helping me to understand. As I've gotten older, I've grown used to not beating around the bush. I believe in being direct. And I thought M did too. Key word: thought. Maybe he really is laying dead in a ditch somewhere, and in that case I should probably be more concerned. I'm not sure how likely that is though. And am more and more apt to attribute it to starting the new job and me being a distraction. I don't know if it's the whole 'I'm starting a new job and we need to not talk for a couple/few weeks so I can get acclimated' distraction or the 'You've interrupted my whole entire goddamn life and I don't like that because I don't feel like I'm in control anymore' distraction. Someone told me this week that I have a great barometer for the nature of her relationships. Neat, I wish I could figure out my own. [Or lack thereof?]. I guess it was just a big deal to me because it's been so long since I've even wanted to get involved. And he's so different than anyone I ever wanted to get involved with, but it still made sense. And not much makes sense to me anymore these days. Ok, moving on.

I attended my grandmothers surprise (!!!) 90th birthday party this past weekend. I've been having a little bit of trouble gathering my thoughts on it. I was so emotionally overwhelmed because she was. She cried when she saw forty people gathered to celebrate her life. I've only ever seen my grandmother cry once before. And that was when my grandfather died. They had been married for 62 years. So this was a big deal. All of her other nonagenarian siblings were in attendance, (yes, she has three. yes, my family lives to be old. yes, im fucked.) as well as octagenarian cousins, nieces and nephews, and friends from the neighborhood (the Bronx, not Brooklyn) that she hasn't seen in 60 years since they moved to Manhattan. The only one who didnt make it was Little Sarah, my great great Aunt. AKA my grandmothers aunt. She's 104. She broke a couple ribs the week before last and wasn't feeling completely up to it. Though her in-their-80s children did come for the afternoon. At any rate, I just. I look at my grandmother and all of these other 'old people' and....(It's 928. I'll finish this when my meeting is over.)....

...and my heart breaks. it breaks because i see the effort my grandmother has to put forth to do things like walk. or to complete a thought. [she had a stroke when she was 84]. and it just. it snaps every single chord in my heart because i know she no longer thinks of herself as cognizant and operative. vital. i know she thinks that because shes reliant. she has so much pride and dignity that she completely discounts the fact the she smacks my arm every time im being a wiseass. or when my dad jokes about her hundredth birthday, 'i dont effin think so!.' or every time my mom calls her and the game is on 'i cant talk to you right now. call me when the game is over.' thats pretty fucking cognizant if you ask me. i know she wont be around forever. but my only hope is that when she does go, itll be quietly in her sleep. because i cant handle another episode involving hundreds of people staring at an uncoscious woman on the floor of a rest stop. i cant handle her being stripped of that dignity in front of strangers eyes like that.

anyway, the party was fantastic. and it was probably my best visit back to ny thus far. the activities were plentiful and the company wonderful. and im glad i didnt spend it any other way. for now, im off to feign busy-ness. this is the first day at work ive had some down time in weeks. good things too, there 730-730 hours may be killing me, but my performance review is tuesday. sweet.

     Read 2 - Post
11:18pm 09/11/2005
  im almost sickened by the irony. but really, it makes my stomach hurt because ive laughed that hard about it. i almost want to chide myself. for allowing myself to think that someone might have confused me. might have made me question myself. what i know. my conduct. who i AM. when really. really. i now sit here amused by the fact that you almost had me doubt myself. when really. really. all i had to do was take a step back. and recognize that what i had for myself was clarity.

i know you better than you think. you may feel it necessary to reinforce how long weve known each other. or not for that matter. but i know you. and this will be the only time im not private about it. i know youre afraid of me. and i know that the whole of what i know of you, is based on what you tell me. what you've told me. you dont tell me much anymore.

and dont mistake this. im not saying this in anger. because really, what is anger anyway? its a reaction to someone jamming a corkscrew into your fibula so hard that for a second that seems like an eternity, you dont even bleed. anger is hurt in disguise. its misplaced pain. and the same way ive learned to hope without expectation, ive found i can care without getting hurt.

the only thing i really have left to say. is that i know youre afraid of me. i scare you because i know exactly who i am. and i do things because i want to. not because i feel obligated. by life. by work. by people. by whatthefuckever. and youve never known that. youve never known what it feels like to empower yourself. you thrive on others encouraging you. patting you on the back. and exhaling accolades.

its your fear that prevents you from knowing that much about yourself. because itll make you question yourself. and youre not ready to face that. what i do know. is that youre insecure. and youre uncertain. and you feel like youre not in control. and that scares you too. i only scare you because i remind you of that.

ill reiterate for you. im not angry. im disappointed. because youve got this insanely crazy potential to be incredible. and youre right on the verge of it. and you were so right when you said you dont know how to bring that out in yourself. the way you bring it out, is by knowing yourself. you can pretend your cockiness is confidence all you want. i know its not. i know youre hiding. but the best way to grab onto that potential youve got? get to know yourself. if you start to doubt yourself, youre on the right track. and until you wade through that swamp, you wont be confident enough. to look at yourself in the mirror. to look into your own eyes and recognize who youre looking at. until then, you wont be able to want things for yourself the way you want to. the way that makes you feel like acid is rising into the pit of throat. and think to yourself. 'fuck, that burns.'

stop second guessing yourself. and start questioning yourself. the only way to gain perspective is to wade through a whole big pile of shit you dont want to touch. and if you need a friend? well. you know where to find one.
     Read 1 - Post
11:25pm 07/11/2005
mood: guilty
It's funny. im at a place in my life where i have the most peace of mind i think ive ever had. im no longer angry. or resentful. and everyday that im so sure i know myself a little more, im lead to a new conclusion. not that i dont know myself. but that i know myself in a different way. today was no different.

ive always been a fan of shades of grey. its always been a point of contention for me. because my stubborness and my pride usually cause a little static in that arena. because those two things limit that grey area. and cause me to be absolutist. and something as simple as an unreturned phone call makes me realize that for every two steps forward i take towards forgiveness. i take three back. this still might be considered progress. but i know better.

at this point, im ready to give up on black and white and stubborness and pride. as much as all of that is a part of me, as i grow up and grow older, i recognize that my skin is thinner and my heart softer. i also recognize that im only affecting myself. because theres only so much that others will put up with before i back myself into a corner and theyre left walking towards the door. and then i never look back.

and now, im left wondering how much i missed out on by enforcing that. and how much i may be missing out on. because theres only one person i want to talk to right now. and i dont even have anything to say. but just knowing theyre on the other line would be enough. because id know they were still there. because right now, thats more than ive got.
     Read 1 - Post
03:00pm 02/11/2005
mood: drained

I've got this terrible knot. two of them actually. one is sitting right under my ribcage. where my sternum is fused together. and the other one is in that little dip at the bottom of my throat. i have these two knots because i can definitely do better at being human. on more than one count too.

yesterday my mother called me. so you know what my natural inclination was. to bounce her call. she called while i was in the grocery store with Mi. i did call her back, however, because i felt a little more intentionally mean that i would have liked. the conversation went something like this:

Her: Hello?
Me: Hi.
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Grocery shopping with Mi.
Her: Where are you?
Me: The grocery store?
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Grocery shopping with Mi.
Her: OK. Call me back when you get home.

At any rate, when we got back, I cooked vegetable lasagna for us, L, and C. *insert intentional mean-ness here* I made the lasagna vegetarian because I know T hates cooked vegetables. But she's really grating on my nerves that much. She asks for advice, and cries and cries and cries. and then ignores the advice and gets herself into a deeper hole. and then proclaims its everyone elses fault. thats shes 'being good'. which is her way of saying 'i cant see far enough past my own nose to realize im c-nty.' see? mean.

i cant help it though. im so frustrated and overwhelmed and i feel like ive been getting hit from all sides. I actually told Ma. the other day that there was nothing I could do about him feeling like a failure at life. because if he wasnt willing to listen to the whole 'take away your house and your job and your car and all youll be left with is your convictions, and right now thats not a whole lot,' speech, then i couldnt help him. two hours later he told me i was the only one who made him feel better about any of it. and the reason he called me was because he knew i would.

he told me over the course of our conversation that i make him feel like hes wasted his life up until now. that i have so much passion and devotion for the things i love to do. and the only expectations hes ever had for himself are the ones other people held for him. and hes only ever done the things he was 'supposed to do.' and how now he wants certain things for himself and that ive shown him another way. i have to say, its one of the greater compliments that ive received. probably ever. but its so much responsibility. especially given our situation. which may no longer even exist. its so hard to express humility when your policy on being responsible for other peoples feelings is 'deny deny deny.' at any rate, i explained to him that all i did was share myself with him. O, stop thinking that way. dirtbag. ha. but yeah. what he chose to do with what i shared is on him. because he should be responsible for himself. for how he feels. Shouldn't everyone? (T still doesn't understand this concept).

back to my mother. She called me back while I was waiting for the washer and dryer to finish and in the middle of Kung Fu Hustle. i was so displeased, i almost had a panic attack right there on the couch. convinced i did something awful. or forgot to do something in which the results would be equally as awful. it was the tone of her voice in the messages she left. because our relationship has gotten considerably better, she always sounds like a mom. but yesterday she sounded like a mother. i left C, L, and Mi. upstairs to call her from the porch. that way i could chainsmoke and hope for better days with easier words than the ones i was about to receive. and, i have to say, the earlier conversation went much better. thats when she told me Lynn died. and half a second later i was sobbing. inconsolably and uncontrollably. my thought process went from the fact that lynn died, to the fact that i was so sure it was about me. and i almost threw up. to compound matters, my mother employed the stern tone again to quiet me long enough so she could tell me that it happened sunday night. and she didnt want to tell me then because she wanted me to enjoy the party up in salem. then i dry heaved. and you know how i am about that kind of stuff. but it made me physically ill to think i was out having a good time and her family was suffering her loss. and so was my father. and it made me feel even worse that i was avoiding my mothers calls. and that i took almost an entire day longer for me to receive that news. and it just kept going from there because i cant even get home for the funeral friday.

and really i just want to continue this streak. by telling T that theres only one common denominator between work, home and school. because all she does is complain about all of the people in all of those situations. and i know i just want to lash out because im stressed and grieving and whatever. but somebody really needs to straighten her out. and if anyone has to do it under duress, i feel like it should be me. because im always so calm and rational (i know you probably dont believe me. but ive mellowed so much im barely breathing). and if i flip my shit, shell know shes being a wench.

more later. i have to work. or something.
09:49am 06/10/2005
mood: listless
I'd like to preface this by saying that O is someone very near and dear. And while I write to O because I like to keep a friend current, I also do it because this someone very near and dear acts as a vehicle for me to express what I'd like to say. I can better articulate when I feel as if I'm addressing someone rather than putting everything out there for anyone to read. That's pressure! With that said, I'd also like to point out that I enable comment forums because I value outside opinions. And if you're reading this and you're not O, it's certainly acceptable (and hoped for) that you will comment as well. Thanks.


(O)nto matters at hand. I've decided I just need to. get out. you know, of my house. on a more regular basis. L was relaying a conversation she had the other day in which she was giving T advice regarding T's current attachement. And she (L) said "Just make it a point to not be home. Make up an excuse to get out of the house. But don't just make it up. Go do it. Go do your own thing and you know what? When you start not being around, his attitude will change from 'Fuck this, Fuck that' to 'Oh i love you, i miss you blah blah.'" And while I can't really advocate on behalf of that advice as far as the 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' level, i firmly believe that everyone in the house should take the other half of the advice. Get out of the house and DO STUFF.

It's hard because no one realizes it, but no one has any alone time in the house. And so we're constantly at each other. And every minute detail of every gesture or word or inflection gets examined, magnified, and (over?)analyzed. until its almost unrecognizable. I'm guilty of it too. But the more things get out of hand, the more I've been keeping my mouth shut. I'm not going to exist to feed any side of a story. I know how I feel. I've said my peace. At this point, I no longer care to express how I'm feeling because really, I'm done talking. And surely I will open my ears for anyone else. But I've said all I can say on the subject. and contributing anything else would just be fuel to the fire.

So, I think time spent outside the house is the perfect prescription. And it doesn't necessarily need to be time spent outside the house ALONE, but together too. Really, I feel like we're all running out of things to talk about except for how work went (and you know, the current situation), because no one does anything outside of work or school. I've tried to make plans with S to go take photographs around the city, but he's bailed on me three times already. And I'm not saying there's not good reason(s) for him to bail, but. I dunno. I'm just really tired of trying this hard. So I've asked J to come with me and he said as soon as he has a couple spare hours he'll give me a call so we can take a walk. I'm hoping that because he seems to know everyone, we might run into a few people he knows so I can work on my portraiture. If he doesn't call in a week to go, I'll just venture out on my own. I should probably just go on my own anyway. It's supposed to be foggy tonight and that would create a nice backdrop against the city lights.

I'll have to continue this later. It's long enough even though I have more to say. I'm just. I'm tired of trying this hard. I'm tired of putting in so much effort. So I'm gonna hang back a bit, and see what I can accomplish for me for a little while.



     Read 1 - Post
10:30am 29/09/2005
  Dear O,

Please don't wax whimsical with me. You know what that city and that school was for the both of us. I don't need the moral of the story, learning experience, blah blah crap. You know me better than that. Alot of it was shitty. And the only reason you're looking back so fondly on it is because your bad memories have turned bittersweet, and the terrible ones have been completely erased.

Trust me. I do it all the time and then cry in my car on the way home from work about how much I miss it. NY is not someplace you come and go. It is a place that so ingrains itself into you, you have tunnel vision. And no matter where you go, you're SO sure that that is where you are destined to end up. Sorry, I'm still wrestling with the idea of not being there. And the notion of returning.

You would be surprised to find out what I've been letting people get away with up here. Not even people, but friends. It's hard you know? Because you love people so much and you just want to be straight up with them and you want them to be straight up with you. Because that's how it works right? Thats how it works?

I'll admit I've found myself in more than one position in which there are three sides of the story and I'm sure the truth is lingering in there somewhere. Incidentally, in one situation my truth is facts. And I'm sure the two other people have convinced themselves their truths are too. It just makes me feel shitty. Because I feel like these people think they're getting away with pulling the wool over my eyes.

But I know. I know. And I really think they think that I'm that naive. I'm so stressed out that I just don't want to deal with it. I love them as friends. And because of that, I can...not believe them or I can 'believe' them. And by 'believe' I mean accept the fact that they're not willing to expose themselves to vulnerability or the truth, and because they're my friends and I love them I'm willing to overlook it and move on for the time being. But I really think their intricate tales are served up to confuse anyone inquiring. which is fine.

It just makes me feel lonely. Like I'm allowing my friendships to be based on mistruths even though I know who these people are. I've been surrounded by a whole host of wonderful people up here on a regular basis. And I really do love them and care for them greatly. But, I just. I miss my old friends too. I miss you, and court, and marisa, and jenni, and toni, and niall, and matty, and hasan and beth and jason and ray and justin and just...everyone.

And instead of bringing that life with me here, I really feel like I'm being forced to start over. Completely. Because everyone says 'Oh, I'll come up, I'll come up, I need to come up' But what do they do? They make other last minute plans because they take advantage of the fact that no matter what happens, I'm willing to be a friend. I'm willing to be their friend. Even if I'm passed over. I'm being passed over.

I'm just hurt. And I don't know what to do.

     Read 1 - Post
01:16pm 21/09/2005
mood: cranky
dear O,

it's so difficult to keep this current sometimes. i try. more often than not, i just feel like i have nothing to say.

lately though, i feel like all ive been doing is yammering. which is fine, but for christs sake, hand me the goddamned stick already and ill finish beating the dead horse. because no one else wants to. talking talking talking. i really just cant anymore.

and i get it that they think of me as 'the motherly figure' (yeah, they actually said that). and i get that im 'capable of adult discussions' rather that throwing hissy fits because no one is catering to my needs (wants?) at that exact moment. i get my skills for the rational are better than theirs, and that i hold my tongue until im ready instead of slicing through with barbed words. but fuck. im exhausted. its exhausting.

oh, and im not your girlfriend, so when i say 'we need to talk,' dont get so friggin anxious. im not going to break up with you. and im not your mom either. so i wont yell at you and nose my way into your business. stop reading into things. i signed that note with my initial because i was rushed. not because i was angry.

12:14pm 28/06/2005
  Dear O,

don't yell. it's been completely too long, I know. So the long and short of it all. I say this as if we hadn't even spoken a bit, but I don't recall what I've told you and what I've not. I live in Providence. I have a job at a marketing firm. I have adopted a family outside that of my blood and they make sure I'm taken care of and vice versa.

It would seem to my actual parents that I'm more of an adult than they ever thought I was, and even more so than my mother. Her and I have been butting heads more often than necessary (is it really necessary to butt heads at all?). I'm fairly certain it's related to the power struggle. Not between her and I, though one exists between the two of us due to stubborness, but more the struggle of her letting go and trading half of her mother title (only half) in for a mother/friend title. She's just not willing to give up that half yet, and it makes it difficult for the both of us. In time I suppose.

There will be more to this later. Possibly even later today in fact. It's been awhile since I've put my head down in here. But for right now, I'm at my job at the marketing firm and I should get back to work.

Love, L.
     Read 1 - Post
02:40am 04/03/2005
  Strange Fruit has been rattling around in my head for days. My love for Billie Holiday sometimes makes my heart want to burst though, so I really don't mind.

Baz called me tonight. And for that I'm thankful because we don't talk nearly enough anymore.

I just had some cookies and now I feel utterly disgusting. not even just a little gross, but really like I'm going to vomit all over myself.

I really don't have much to say, I'm just updating for O's sake. Apparently I'm not prolific enough. ha.
12:20am 03/02/2005
  i feel more and more inclined to make this friends only. im tired of feeling like im being spied on. and being paranoid because of others' voyeuristic tendencies. so, from here on out. friends only.

ive had a rough day. a friend passed away last night. and im left feeling a little disconnected. a little bit alone. and terribly sad. the funeral is tomorrow morning. and i know i wont be able to sleep tonight. and i also know if i dont sleep i wont be able to hold back as many tears as id like. its a shame it took something like this to get old friends back together. that we werent capable of it on our own. but i guess it just proves how special M was, that even now, in his death, he can show us. i keep sighing because i dont know what else to do. and despite having seriously cut back on smoking, im aching for a cigarette. and a glass of chardonnay. i feel as if both those things are wholly inappropriate though. and to get through the night, ill probably indulge in both anyway. such is life. and i suppose death too.
03:57pm 05/01/2005
mood: amused
Well. So here I am, one week later. O, I'm hoping you'll be pleasantly surprised by this. Things have not changed much since last week, which is why I so infrequently update. However, I did not make it to Providence as planned because I've spent the entire last week being sick. I would elaborate on this more, but frankly, I don't want to gross anyone out.

I've found myself in a sort of fun position with Jason. While I still feel he's overesteemed my writing skills, he feels that I am underwhelmed by the very things I'm trying to say (and by how I say them) and he liked the very first song I wrote for him. We were supposed to do more tonight, but he took a trip up to Northampton to visit Mary Jane. They still had plans to go to the movies and ice skating today before he left and I advised him to stay there an extra night because its snowing here. That looks most likely. So I've at least become a little more confident in all of this and have penned a few new songs and ideas for him for later.

Other than that, O, you were totally right. I know I need to stop bullshitting around and either stop doubting myself or confront him about things. Admittedly, I'm not ready to do either and a couple of days resisting the urge to call him did wonders. Especially considering he was being bratty yesterday due to his being sick. And sure enough out of nowhere today, as soon as I stopped being idle on gAIM, I was hit with a link to an article about Delta slashing its fares by half. I was also posed the question of which airport he should fly into. So, for now at least, I suppose things are hunky dory. I'm going to try to not be so irrational anymore (though I will admit, alcohol is almost always fuel for my already existing but not readily talked about insecurities regarding this matter) and just take things day by day. Because that's the best I can do. About anything in fact.
     Read 1 - Post
03:12pm 29/12/2004
  so, as requested. *nods* i really do intend to update here more often. and i really do need to make it more of a habit.

things are not terribly exciting. for the holidays i was on the receiving end of a new puppy. his name is charley. i also finally got a new digital camera and a lot of money. im fairly certain that other than the money, i didnt really need anything. but none of it goes unappreciated.

since hes been home, jason seems to have overesteemed my writing skills. or at least i think so. he wants me to write songs with him and ive had all week off but cant manage to call him to work on it. dear of failure i suppose. or fear that he wont like what i want to say.

im gearing up to move. i should be in providence this weekend to scope out the situation. and i should be there in four weeks if all goes as planned. *crosses her fingers* i really should be updating my resume right now, not my journal. but i promised.

things are going better than expected for me right now. and still i have bad days. or maybe im just cranky. but im lucky in that even on the bad days, ive got someone who knows how to cheer me right up. even if its just a voicemail.

thats about it i do believe. maybe these buffy marathons are killing my brain cells. or maybe i just havent had a cigarette in 2 days so ive stopped thinking clearly. at any rate, i think its the latter, and i think ill go remedy that.

comment away, O.
     Read 2 - Post
By embracing the ephemeral, then you'd never have to worry or explain.   
09:31pm 23/11/2004
mood: uncomfortable
tea seemed like such a good idea. and now red wine seems better.

ive been steeped in such absolute absurdity lately. overthinking things. overanalyzing things. being overwhelmed. overthinking being overbearing. being overly insecure due to overthinking being overbearing. there are some days, maybe one out of an entire week, when im so sure of myself. i wake up in the morning knowing its going to be my day. that day was supposed to be today. i got halfway through it feeling that way at least. i was thankful to be at work because it serves as more of a distraction than a paycheck these days. i suppose thats the reason for job #2/3. whatever number it is.

in any event, i welcome the distraction that any number of things in my daily life present. because otherwise im left thinking of him. and wondering if he thinks about me half as much as i think about him. and if hes really serious when he avers his 'optimistic attitude' about the idea of an 'us.' and i know in my head ive created some sort of reality that will probably never be, but its the way id want it. and when i actually have to pay attention to the real world, that reality makes me more sad than anything else. because really, we're both just two very busy people, in very different ways. and as much as i want to be a part of his everyday life, right now thats not really feasible, and i understand that.

so here i am. rambling. theres a shock. i should probably update this more often than i do. ill really try this time. really.